It Takes a Village

One of the many things I’ve learned along this caregiving journey is that you CAN NOT DO IT ALONE! I have always prided myself on being a strong, independent woman that didn’t need anyone’s help to make it in this world. Growing up, when I had a problem, I never wanted to ask for help. I just did whatever it took to fix it. Needless to say, that didn’t always work out in my favor. So when it came time to take on the role of caring for my mother, I often felt like it was my responsibility to take care of everything by myself. In the beginning, friends and family were literally blowing my phone up asking how my mom was doing and how they could help. As with anything else, when the novelty wore off and they figured out that she was going to be okay, the calls and visits became few and far between. This quickly lead to feelings of anger, resentment, and hurt toward many family members and friends that promised to help out. So much so that I shut out everybody and just decided I’ll do it myself. Luckily for me, I have a core group of friends and select family members that said “I don’t care what you talking about. I am going to invade your space until you accept my help.” If I didn’t answer the phone for a few days or respond to text messages, trust me when I say, these ladies would show up on my doorstep, come on in, and take over the care.

In a previous blog, I wrote a poem called “What I’ve Learned”. My two favorite lines from that poem are:

I’ve learned who my REAL friends are and who truly has my back

I’ve learned to appreciate those real friends

Truer words have never been spoken! My closest friends thankfully understand the type of person I am so they didn’t wait for me to ask for help-they just did it. I had to learn who my village was and to accept the help they were trying to give. I am forever grateful to the friends and family members that still constantly reach out just to check on me and my mother. Caregiving is a huge responsibility, so please don’t think you can do it by yourself. Once you know who’s in your village, embrace them and accept the help. Otherwise, you will overburden yourself unnecessarily.

Over time, I also came to realize that I had to let my ego go and ask for help when I needed it. Don’t be afraid to ask for help from friends, family, and other support services. You will be surprised at the people that will help you if you only ask. Be specific and tell them what you need. Whether that’s a cooked dinner, to sit with your loved one while you take a breather, or just a visit to help pass the time, any little bit helps. There is an expression that says “We have not, because we ask not” and my other favorite one is “a closed mouth don’t get fed”. In other words, no one knows you need help if you never say anything.